ABOUT ME

The year was 2017 and all seemed well.  It was sort of wild because when I think back on that season it seemed so quick and swift, I had to ask myself have I really taken the time to heal. Not just physically, yet spiritually and mentally. Then it dawned on me that I didn’t even realize that area of my character was not only just broken, but literally shattered. Although I didn’t think about it every day, somewhere deep inside of my subconscious I was living a life of proving it. What do I mean when I say prove it. Not to anyone else, but to the core of my own existence. How was I able to determine that? I realized that I felt more alone most of the time when I knew there were people there to love me. Yet I didn’t want their love, I wanted my own love, commitment, and security to self to ring true. The only real dilemma is, how can that be when I truly know I do not control anything. The only thing I should be aiming to control is my heart and mind. Yet, here’s where the problem became major, I was unable to open up and enjoy intimacy with my King.  I don’t know if you have seen my love, but he is nothing to sneeze at and is a total candy shop for the eyes.

Anyway, I was a friggin closed off and distant wife, partner and friend.  I knew I longed for him, but I was truly, unequivocally blocked, locked and I didn’t know where the damn key was or where to begin to even look for it.

 Now mind you I was working my servitude heart out at the house of the Lord. See, I think the truth is that there are so many unhealed people in the church that it doesn’t even make any sense. Just like me, they work, and they work, and genuinely never take the time to heal because somewhere in the message of guilt and despair, we thought that meant serve him and healing will POOF appear. What a dag on joke. We never quite realize how much horse maneuver we shovel into our own minds of doubt.  

 Now I had to face that not only was my sex drive not matching my husbands I was setting him up to fail as a faithful husband, yes, I said it, I was about to set him up to cheat on me. Would it have been justified, no, I never said that. I said I was setting him up for a trap. See there’s a scripture in the Bible that says if you gone set a trap for one, you might as well set it up for two, because you’re going to get tripped up as well. If my husband cheated it would hurt the foundation, WE built on our solid rock. No, I wasn’t trying to have that happen, but the pandemic showed me a few things: 

 I couldn’t get to the church house to hide myself away in work and the work I could do was virtual and even that started to become an unnecessary stressor. Everyone knows if you’re not going to work a paid gig with that, you’re not giving up your free time to deal with it. So now I had to figure out what to do with myself to feel productive and not out of sorts. During this hubby and I are arguing top dog style. God is not pleased; I knew that for sure. 

Hence why I was living a prove it life. Trying to prove all kinds of things to myself, yet when do I submit to the lotus blossom, that I am, the lady that I am, the Queen that I am, heck the Goddess that IAM.  I was a tough shell of pain and despair, and my mind was not aligned with the will of my Creator. I can’t expect anyone to do crap for me if I am not wholeheartedly willing to do it for myself. I believe people are waiting for God to tap them on the head with a magic wand and BOOM...renewed mind.  The truth to the matter is, most of us are so busy doing we have yet learned what it means to submit to one’s own desires and be friggin still.

 How do we submit to one’s own desires and be still? We learn to turn off self judgement, the self-discounting, the self-sabotage, the self-societal standards we have placed on ourselves and meditate on the goodness that we have been created to be and experience. For all of us who say we don’t care what others think about us, is just as many of us who do care what others think about them, we realize. The issue is not who thinks about what, but how we compare ourselves to either what we see or what we believe is the best level of quality and value that we can obtain. To truly submit to one’s own desires we have to truly be able to tap into, and totally understand that what we see, and others may look up on as jealousy is a deep in bedded desire to have what it is we see that we want. Not lust, not covet, just downright know that's the direction you need to be going. 

So, through the pandemic I decided to take a journey to tap into my womb spirit healing with a rights of passage program.  Through that season I was able to become equipped with some of the means that our ancestors used to place our bodies, spirits, and souls in alignment with the Divine.  What I have come to understand, is that no matter the depth of your relationship with God, if you have not built the relationship with the God on the inside of you, then there is definitely more work to be done. 

As I walk this season of life, embracing my healed steps, I have been able to find my purpose and my passion.  My purpose is to assist every woman that comes my way with the instruments she can use to draw her closer to appreciating and loving the Goddess she is meant to be!